Laughter 365 Days

Sure Honey

S Joe — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 08:18:42 +0000

There were a group of men working out in the gym when suddenly a phone lying down on a table began to ring. A man briskly walked up to the table and picked up the phone and put it on speaker while he was still working on with dumbells. A chirpy woman spoke on the other end saying – “Honey, I saw this lovely silk scarf but it’s a bit costly – 100$. I wanted to ask you if I can buy it”. The man asked – “Honey, do you really like it?” to which the woman answer yes. Then the man said – “Sure Honey! You can buy”. And the woman said – “And Oh! I saw this beautiful fur coat. Its 1000$ though. Will it be okay if I bought it?” The man asked – “Honey, do you really like it?” to which the woman answer yes. Then the man said – “Sure Honey! You can buy”. And again the woman spoke – ” I saw this beautiful red ferari in the showroom today, the same model that I was talking about the other day, I really love it… Can I…?” The man quickly said, “Sure Honey! Place the order”. By this time all the men in the room stopped working out and were looking at this man with wide open mouth. And now the woman said – “Honey, that banglow that I had dreamt of… it’s on sale… You know how much I loved it…”, the man replied, “Sure Honey, go ahead, we can buy that”. The woman quickly said, “Love you so much” and the man put the phone down. The whole gym was silent. The man slowly turned around raising the phone high up on the air and said, “Guys! May I know whose phone is this???”

Lady and the Parrot

S Joe — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 10:59:17 +0000

A very religious woman went into the local pet shop to buy a parrot for company. She selected a beautiful bird, but the pet store owner said he didn’t think she’d be happy with this particular parrot because he had belonged to a salty old sailor who used very bad language.

She replied that she knew with love and care she could break the bird of his bad habits and have a wonderful companion.

Well, the bird was not to be broken of his blue language and the woman had to hide him in the spare bedroom every time she had visitors. Finally, in desperation she told the bird she was going to put him in the freezer for 10 minutes every time he used bad language. Sure enough in just a couple of minutes the bird let out a string of obscenities. She put him in the freezer with him hollering and yelling his head off. After just a minute or two it got very quiet…..afraid that something bad had happened to the bird, she opened the door.

Out stepped the parrot, shivering and most pleasantly and politely he said “excuse my prior behavior, madam. I regret any dismay I may have caused you and promise never to use improper language again.” Well, the woman was thrilled to hear these promises and was about to say so when the bird interrupted to say “by the way, madam, what’s the chicken in for?”

An aethist and the bear

S Joe — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 10:53:42 +0000

An aethist went for hunting and bumped into bear in the wild woods. The bear began chasing and aethist ran as fast as he could. Just then the aethist stumbled and fell on the ground. The bear came near the man and lifted its paw to kill the man, just then the aethist cried out, “God save me”. The world stopped, the cloud parted and God answered, “all these years you have rejected me and now you want me to save you!”. The aethist with downcast eyes said, “Yes Lord, I know I have rejected you so I don’t think its fair for me to ask you to save me. Instead, please make the bear a Christian.” And God said, “So be it.” And everything came to normal, and the bear fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, “God, bless this food which I am about to receive.”

The Engineering Brain

S Joe — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 16:31:09 +0000

The authorities were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he meets his fate.

The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. So, they raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

So, the authorities release the drunkard as well.

Next is the engineer. He also decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine when suddenly the engineer shouts, “WAIT!!!… I think the problem is right there where the cable is binding!!!”

Windows Open

S Joe — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 16:23:27 +0000

Tech Support: “Do you have any windows open right now?”

Customer: “Are you crazy woman, it’s twenty below outside!”

Where is my paper?

S Joe — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 16:20:06 +0000

The irate customer, a very old lady, calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

‘Ma’am, said the employee, today is Saturday.The Sunday paper is not delivered ’til Sunday.’

There was quite a pause on the other end
of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.

‘So that’s why no one was in church today.’

the Lion & the Swine

S Joe — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 10:46:17 +0000

Lion across the pig and said, “I roar and the jungle fears.”

Pig replies, “Nowadays, I sneeze and the whole world fears.”

-By Swine Flu Fans

Millionaire Enters Heaven

S Joe — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 08:52:15 +0000

This millionaire wanted take some of his money to heaven with him when he died, so he talked to God about it beforehand. He told God that he had lived a good life and all he wanted was to bring a little of his fortune with him. God finally agreed, but told the millionaire he must limit the amount to whatever he could fit into one suitcase.

The millionaire decided to make the most of it by comparing American dollars, French Francs, Japenese Yen, and every kind of currency available in the world to see to it that he fit the most possible into the suitcase. Finally, he decided the best he could do was to exchange his money for gold and place that in the suitcase.

When he died and arrived at Heaven’s gate, St. Peter asked him what was in the suitcase. He told St. Peter that down on earth he had been a millionaire and that God had given him permisson to bring some of his fortune with him, as long as he could fit it into one suitcase.

St. Peter told the millionaire this was most unusual and he would have to take a look inside the suitcase before he could determine whether the millionaire could enter the gate with it. The millionaire opened the suitcase and St. Peter said, “Oh, yes. That’s just pavement, please come in!”

Messages from God

S Joe — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 08:47:56 +0000

Recently a Ft. Lauderdale advertising agency launched a billboard (including the inside and outside of buses) that included 17 different messages from God.

This non-denominational campaign started in September. It was sponsored by an anonymous client. I think some of the messages are quite humorous:

1. Let’s Meet At My House Sunday Before the Game – God
2. C’mon Over And Bring The Kids – God
3. What Part of “Thou Shalt Not…” Didn’t You Understand? – God
4. We Need To Talk – God
5. Keep Using My Name in Vain And I’ll Make Rush Hour Longer! – God
6. Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage – God
7. That “Love Thy Neighbour” Thing, I Meant It. – God
8. I Love You…I Love You…I Love You… – God
9. Will The Road You’re On Get You To My Place? – God
10. Follow Me. – God
11. Big Bang Theory? You’ve Got To Be Kidding. – God
12. My Way Is The Highway. – God
13. Need Directions? – God
14. You Think It’s Hot Here? – God
15. Tell The Kids I Love Them. – God
16. Need a Marriage Counselor? I’m Available. – God
17. Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There Will Be A Test! – God

Sunday School Song

S Joe — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 08:46:36 +0000

A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really “Gladly The Cross I’d Bear,”